Two Personas
by Touta Matsuda
Summary: First completed fanfic. Written in Light's narrative pertaining to L's death. Mild LxR, no head tilting or squinting required.


Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its characters.

Two Personas

My eyes were open wide in shock. This was it; this was the final attack, and the end of the long-standing battle. He stopped mid sentence, his eyes wide in pain. He dropped his spoon, with which only moments before he had used to stir his final cup of coffee, and had licked off the remains. And then he fell. Everything seemed to fall silent, and move in slow motion. No one moved and everyone's mouth was agape. He looked so fragile then, so meager and unimpressive. Why had it been so hard? It all looked so simple now. So simple…. And yet, not natural. It didn't seem as though this was the fitting end. It didn't look as though he should hit that floor.

So he didn't. The first to move was myself, of who's accord I don't know. I dove forward to catch his falling form, to stop his frail body from hitting that floor. That wasn't how he was supposed to end and I knew it. It was wrong twice over. Part of me knew it was wrong simply because he was supposed to die by my hand, not at that of a shinigami. I was supposed to win this fight with his name in my notebook. The other part…

The other part of me knew it was wrong for a different reason entirely. I was his friend. His first friend, his only friend. Friends in general have responsibilities, no, obligations to their friends. One such as myself, where he had no other friends but me, had these such obligations to fulfill. I was the only one who knew his life was in such grave danger, knew that his end was coming. And was the sole perpetrator behind it. I was his friend and yet I consciously brought about his demise.

This same part of me is quite complicated, you see, and thus had another reason as to why his fall from that chair meant so very much to not only the world as a whole, but to my own world. This reason is that he was my fighter. He was to be my savior and take me back. I was losing to myself, no this wasn't me at all, nor did I want it to be. I don't know what he knew about the details of the matter, about the deep mental divide such a devil's notebook caused, but that didn't matter. He was determined from the get go to stop Kira at all costs. At the risk of his life, at the risk of his well being and those around him, and the sacrifice of criminals, he was willing to do whatever it took to stop Kira.

And when I met him, to me it was as though he could sense my turmoil and yet knew immediately what the situation was. What he did after this was significant and miniscular to others or to the case in general, but meant the world to me. He changed his path from putting Kira on death row to finding how he kills. At that moment it was as though he declared his battle against my darker half and the race was on. Both sides had been seeking one another and in the end I was merely a spectator of my own life. He came so close so many times to figuring out the truth, but the truth always eluded him, may it have been by a hair's breadth.

Then came the most dramatic moment of my life. Bigger than any birthday party, no matter the age, bigger than Christmas with family and all the things you asked for. Greater than the love of a parent it was the bonding of friendship. He was so depressed that afternoon, standing out in the bone chilling rain. The rain would mask any tears that he may have shed. I'd never seen him show emotion before. Never in the year I'd known him, worked so closely with him, had he ever broken to the point of crying. Despite this, he seemed at peace somehow, as though he had already accepted what he couldn't possibly know.

He even told me he was sad, so plain and indifferent. I didn't understand it. He was so kind, and so warm. So very different from everything that defined him. I asked him why he was sad, and he simply replied, "You'll know soon." And I knew he knew. He knew his end was near, not far from this very moment where we sat and exchanged words.

Everything from this point forward moved far too fast. I couldn't inquire further as to what he meant, or how he figured it to be the case. No time to understand these unorganized and illogical thoughts that flooded my head, or the throbbing pain that ensued in my chest. I fell from the occasion to the status of spectator. Everything flowed like time up until this very moment, watching this man fall from this chair.

Only now, once it was too late to do anything about, too late to speak up, too late to fight back, did I find my place. Only now did these cluttered and unorganized thoughts become clear and motivate me to move. To do anything would be better than to continue watching with no control.

I knew there was nothing I could do now, the heart attack had already struck. There was nothing I could say that would ease his pain. There wasn't enough guts in my body to say what I wanted to say. I caught him and held him there in my arms, something I hadn't known I'd wanted to do until that moment. I looked down in his eyes…. And it was too much to bear. Those lifeless eyes that had never shown emotion were bright with life upon his deathbed. What's more, his lively eyes were closing.

''_They can't close!!'_ I mentally screamed. The closing of those dark orbs meant the closing of a door that would never again open. It meant the end of everything. He was my last hope, the one who would defeat my dark side, succeeding where I could not, where I failed. He would save me from myself. My chances to say those three simple words were fleeting out the window. His own life was coming to a brutal end. The knowledge that he lost, that I lost was too much to bear. It was over for me, and that was it. I retreated, not wanting to bear witness to this, not wanting to hold his dying body as it took its final breaths. And as a result of this cowardice of not wanting to face up to what I had done, how I had failed him, he was forced to take the worst blow a friend could give as Kira grinned broadly down at his dying opponent. The only peace my dear friend could have possibly gained in death was the satisfaction that he was right.

The days slowly drift by and I am tormented by my own thoughts. My concentration is minimal, and we are collecting our things to leave the task force headquarter building behind. I trace all ends of information left from the mass deletion and pause. My eyes are glazed over and lifeless, thoughtless. Out of habit from the last few months I turn to my left where I know I should find nothing. I instead find what I expected to see; Ryuuzaki sitting across from me. My mind showed me an illusion of what could never be, as his crouching pale figure on that unsteady chair turned to me and smiled. It was a beautiful smile, pure and unperverted. Unlike anything I'd ever seen. I only wished I could have reached out and touched him, to brush the hair away from his face so I could see his covered eyes.

Those precious smiling lips moved in a fashion that would make one think he was speaking, but no words reached my ears. Maybe I was deaf to him now. Maybe I refused to hear. I don't know what the case, but my own illusion failed to deliver these final words to me. Instead, my heart gladly substituted the words.

"I love you. See you on the other side."

I could have cried. All along he knew me from Kira. He knew I was a victim too. Maybe I'm just delusional. Perhaps I'm simply making excuses for being Kira when I know full well that what I am doing is wrong. Its evil, just like Ryuuzaki had said. Saying Kira was someone else inside me; another personality or perhaps merely another persona, was probably an excuse to salvage my mind and what shreds of humanity I clung to. I was Kira and that was that.

Despite being wrong, I know I must continue. I've come too far to stop now. There is no difference between one life and thousands of lives, once it has begun, there is no turning back. I've risked too much and lost too much over this game of pride, over this project of domination. I've lost the only man I've ever loved and ever will love. So no, I cannot stop. If the persona is simply an excuse its all too little too late. Kira will live on and create this ideal world. Kira will continue in L's name for his nameless sake to create a pure and just world that he would have liked to live in.

I know he would have liked it. We are too liked minded for him not to desire the same ends as myself. Maybe things would have been different if the world were pure… Maybe, if all was kind and just as it should be, if the populous was intelligent and compassionate, things could have turned out different for us. I know we will never meet again. You were pure and just, whether you had belief in the supernatural in any form, any religion would have sent you to heaven. If I could go anywhere I'm damned to hell for the lives I've ended. But I cannot even go there. My punishment for reaching for my goals is moot. I will cease to exist entirely; no heaven, no hell, no rebirth, no reincarnation, simply nothing.

No matter how I try or where I look I'm cursed. I will never see you again. There are no pictures of you, there's no chance for another encounter in another life. My dreams and imagination fail me and distort your face. I can't even remember you correctly. You are dead to me in more ways than one. I'm cursed to never again see you. This fact alone is enough. I will die now too. Whether I'm Kira or not will be determined once I go.

So I hereby surrender my body to the entity that is Kira to do as he pleases. Create your ideal world if you wish. You've taken from me the one thing that eclipses all others in my life and left me soulless.


End file.
